Posted in Articole, din viata, filosofeala, personal insights

Cât de ghinionist să fii..??

Până la urmă m-am hotărât, o să iau LG-ul ăla la 1400 de lei.

Te-ai uitat și la ce mai scriu oamenii în recenzii? Uneori chiar contează, mai ales când îți iei electronice.

Da, păi tocmai d-asta, are recenzii bune, 351 de cate 5 stele! Adică da, mai sunt câteva de o singură steluță, probabil doi-trei amărâți care au nimerit unu defect, dar na acum, cât de ghinionist să fii? Doar n-oi fi taman eu omul să nimeresc pe ăla cu defect!

…*puțin mai târziu…*

Bună ziua ați sunat la Emag…

Bună ziua. Ăăă.. aș vrea să fac și eu un retur, vă rog.. Un televizor LG… îi lipsesc șuruburile de la stand… și are pete de lumină pe ecran..


Este nevoie să înlocuiți placa de bază, e arsă. Dar costă destul de mult, să știți..

Uff.. nu mai bine cumpăr o centrală nouă..? Ies mai bine așa..?

Nu chiar, pentru o centrală nouă mai puneți încă pe-atât.

La naiba. Și de unde să știu eu că n-o să se ardă și asta nouă iar..?

Păi ați putea pune un stabilizator de tensiune. Dar locuiți la bloc, n-ați prea avea de ce, aici la oraș nu prea se întâmplă d-astea. Adică… trebuie să fii CHIAR GHINIONIST încât să ți se întâmple așa ceva.


Te-ai programat până la urmă la vaccin?

Da, dar nu mai știu ce să fac, că mi-e cam frică când văd pe unii cu reacții d-alea de crapă în 3 zile…

Hai băi, fugi de-aici! Am făcut și eu, și bunică-mea de 71 de ani și n-a avut nimic. A făcut cumnată-mea care are aia și astm și cu inima și obeză.. nici pe dracu n-a avut! Tot departamentul nostru s-a vaccinat, n-a pățit nimeni nimic! Da, normal, mai sunt unii care au reacții d-astea mortale, că așa a fost tot timpul la vaccinuri, dar n-oi fi tocmai tu ăla GHINIONISTU’!

Posted in English speakers, personal insights


You’re strong. Strong. I’ve hunted for this word all of my life. I wanted it to be mine. I thought it would suit so well next to my name. Strong Eliza. Beautiful, smart…- I’ve never longed for those as much as I did for being strong.

Now when I write down in the middle of a rainy night after waking up from a bad dream, I know I’m strong. But there’s no one who can tell me that. I (have to) know it myself. You know you have to be strong when being strong is the only option you’ve got. When there’s no one who could put her arms around you and comfort you, but instead it is You who has to make sure that everyone’s okay.

But there’s a positive side to it: dealing with others’ weakness means you don’t have enough time to think of your weakness, of your own fears. You push them aside and lock them in a tiny dark room inside your mind. But you know they’re all there, like quiet hungry predators, because this room unlocks itself at night and releases the monsters right at the time when you’re most vulnerable, when your mind and imagination is no longer guarded by its beloved & trustworthy rationality.

Your fears and worries pick on your mind until your soul aches.

I was building my own nightmare to the edge of the loudest quiet scream I (n)ever heard. .. until I woke up. There was no one in there, and there was no one out there. It was just Me. And Me doesn’t always know what to do… Could I have just stopped it? Could I have just changed everything and turned my dream-reality into an okay one? How does it work? Is there a virus that makes us believe all the nonsense we see with the eyes of our irrational mind? After all, how can you run from what’s inside you?

It’s okay. Magic words.

Nothing is okay when you’re caught up in this terrifying storm.

d6763360b0dca29876d95831feb63fc0It is the loneliness or the love for others that torments the most? The nonsense of loneliness and the fear of losing what you love: the scariest shadows of something most beautiful.

No, I was never afraid of being alone, but rather of the possible nonsense of it. The loss, however, is the pain in its highest and purest forms.

Should I stop loving and caring? It would definitely feel much easier, wouldn’t it? Could I stop taking what I love as part of myself? It’s so hard when you’re connected to everything and the separation feels like cutting living flesh out of your own.

I know: separation anxiety. I’ve been told before. But not much I can do about it.

I’ve learnt that anxiety catches you in a moment of panic like a fly into a sticky spider web, forcing you to sit there in that moment until your fear and despair intoxicates your system and paralyzes your last bit of will. That one moment lasts forever, while it forces you to go into depths of horrible things that can never be useful to you, nor to anyone. But you can’t fight them back. All you have to do is… release. Move forward and never look back on them.

Anxiety is a master of designing the most grotesque images until it scares your soul to death. You can quiet it by day, but you can’t quiet it by night. You can’t run away from it. You can’t turn your eyes away from it. It just builds up. I just couldn’t stop it.

“Look! Look at what you love the most! You’re gonna lose it! You’re gonna lose everyone. Even yourself. Look at all these grotesque distortions, the madness, feel the horror of nonsense. It’s nothing of what you’ve known. You can’t connect with them. You can’t protect them. You can’t save anyone. You’re too late.”

It hurts.

But I am strong. And as long as I have someone to protect, then I will. I will keep the light bright during the day, and I will deal with the shadows at night. I can do this. Because I’m strong. Maybe I was made for this.


Posted in Articole, English speakers, personal insights

The ASMR thingy

(note: I wrote this in English because the videos I’m gonna mention here are also in English, and it would not make sense to do it otherwise).

So… unless you live under a rock (well, hi there, neighbor), you may have already heard of that quirky, peculiar youtube trendy videos of ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response, that is).

The fact that it became so popular is obviously an indicator that many people are watching this stuff, and not only out of pure curiosity. They simply enjoy it.

But this asmr thingie is as various & diverse as the people who does it. So, maybe there’s no wonder why usually people feel a little uneasy or reluctant to admit that they’re watching it. We have these people who make asmr videos for therapy & sleep, while we also have those weird hormonal people whose crappy videos kinda resemble a porn material. Eww.  

But… to each his own.

originalAsmr I like: catchy quality content at its basis, whether that is: drawing tutorials, nail-art, story-telling, hauls (toys, books etc), makeup & hair-styling, cooking, meditation,… So, yea, just about anything that may interest me with or without pleasant noise attached to it.

tumblr_inline_nucatgy5iP1s7f7dv_500Asmr I don’t like hate: those dull, hollow videos, videos without content, only made for silly noises (like hideous eating/drinking sounds) or with stupid thematic (like those “mommy-issue” type of videos, “let me check your fleas” or whatever, and let’s not mention again those deeply embarrassing horny chicks).

So… to sum it up, a decent asmr video shall appeal to your senses (mostly auditory but also visual) in order to release the tension and help you relax by stimulating a feeling of comfort. At least so they say.

G9PVIt’s nothing really complicated and it’s no deep wisdom ‘cause it’s something that’s been in our lives since always. Just remember when you were a child and you enjoyed a whispered story-telling or played that game with your sis’ where she’d “draw” all kind of stuff with her finger on your back and you had to guess what it was.. Or even now when someone’s playing with your hair or gives you a hand massage.. or that crystalline sound of glasses or clinking sound of glass beads.. or whatever may be.

You may now say: “ yea, but seeing someone getting a hand massage is not like I’d be given a hand massage, so I don’t really care about it”. True, and that’s why this asmr thingie doesn’t work for everybody. Usually empathetic people find this asmr thingy relaxing because they can easily relate to others’ sensations. And that surely applies in a negative way too, like.. when you see someone had accidentally cut his finger on a knife and you flinch as if it was your own finger, for example. It’s all in our minds, after all, our whole reality shapes in our mind. Even seeing (or thinking of) a squeezing lemon makes your mouth water, although there might not even be a lemon nearby.. your mind  translates the feeling into your body as if it was for real. Because your subconscious does not know the difference between real & imaginary. It just works with whatever you feed it. (good to know that, if you’re struggling with depression or anxiety; we’ll get to that later on).

sour444ceNow… if you look through all those comments posted down these asmr videos, you’ll notice how maaaany people suffer with anxiety and insomnia, and how grateful they are for such vids! Thus, it might have all started as a silly gameplay on youtube, but meanwhile for some it became a therapy which works at least as much as a paid session at a psychologist. And, you know, not all people can afford a psychologist, let’s admit that.

We’re living a very stressful life which moves in a fast-forward pace. On top of that, as paradoxically as it might sound, the fact that we’re so many on this planet made our interaction even harder; our loneliness increases in direct proportion to the growth of human population. It pretty much looks like a huge insects nest where no one’s special anymore and there’s not much time for feelings and weakness and cuddling or dreaming; and whatever happens you just got to get up and move on because everybody’s moving fast and if you don’t, then you’ll get run over so that’s why you need to KEEP MOVING!

(Geeez, I got tired just by writing this paragraph..)

So, ya, we need to slow down sometimes to avoid burnout.

Since my mind gets easily overwhelmed, I do feel the need to hear a word of comfort (even if it’s only the “It’s okay” magic line) sometimes. Believe me, you don’t want to share your personal problems with random people, no matter how desperate you are; so, in case you can’t reach a trustable friend and you can’t afford a psychologist, then this may be your best available option.

1512672518_tired-booWhen I was a baby, I used to fall asleep with sounds on, whether it was a little radio nearby or my family doing their things around the house. It was like a sense of comfort because back then I used to find the complete silence to be much creepier than the random common, familiar sounds. I still find the sound of long earrings or bracelets to be almost hypnotizing, and I tend to feel dozy when hearing the sound of the hairdryer (I fell asleep on my desk once back in the time when I used to work in a beauty salon).

I can’t describe how weird it felt first time I’ve bumped into an asmr video. I remember it was a role-play type of asmr, and there was this girl staring into the camera and saying hi, how are you?”.

Me (mumbling): “umm.. am I supposed to answer back to you? You crazy lady”

Her: “I see you look very tired…”


Ya, so… I indeed found it to be quite peculiar at first.

Little note: I am agnostic and I am a curious with a skeptical mind. I do not believe in anything that can’t be proved by science, yet I do not reject some theories because I know that our science is not fully developed. I don’t know much about reiki, auras, energy, crystals, meditation and stuff like that, therefore I can neither promote nor deny them. What I know is that when some of these asmr people are using it in their therapeutic videos, it feels helpful in a rather placebo type of way. Although I will never promote a belief in things unseen, I think that all these people I shall mention below, are people who, by their own input, only wish to make the world a better place, so… whatever we believe in is good as long as it makes us good people.

With that said, I’m gonna now share some of my favorite asmr youtubers; most of them are therapists as a full-time job, whether it’s psychology or reiki or massage, or.. artists who truly put effort in creating something beautiful & relaxing for people to enjoy watching. There are lots of them, growing and evolving in a world which seem to desperately need to put their minds at ease before bedtime, preferably without taking pills. Here i’ve mentioned just some of those i’m most familiar with, others also appreciated and yet to be discovered.

Jillian (The Lune Innate) is a reiki practitioner and what I like about her videos is that besides the relaxing sound part, she also offers deep insights on life and about how to approach various stressful moments or traumas. I was able to relate to this video very much so I found it very helpful in a therapeutic way rather than in an “asmr” kinda way. Like: ASMR Reiki, Healing Childhood   or   Quiet Your Mind, Reiki ASMR

Erin (Goodnight Moon) is a very young artist, she’s got a wonderful soothing voice and she puts so much creativity & effort into her videos which are “movie-like”. I simply love her. She’s got various videos of role-play, travel, story-telling, drawing, and so on and so forth. It’s awesome and really fun to watch. Like: ASMR Summer in the forest   or  The Willow Witch Prepares for Your Journey

Ok, it may sound pathetic, but… since almost all of my friends went abroad for work and I ain’t got a friend nearby, I enjoy listening to Erin because her chat in front of the camera is the closest thing I can get to what I long for: a long silly random talk in the evening.

And like all popular things growing & evolving, this asmr thingie also evolved into some really artsy videos, in which is quite clear the effort that these therapists put into their work. I mean, really, come on, this is really like… the next level, the “movie-like” videos:  Diane in Moonlight Cottage ASMR

Angela (albinwhisperland) is an adorable girl who’s also an artist. I usually enjoy watching her drawing videos, but she’s also got a ton of other cuteness overloaded videos where she presents her toys, makeup, purring cats, awesome books & comics, snacks, storytelling, you name it. She’s also got hair-play videos and nail-art tutorials. I love her drawing skills and her vintage style, she’s awesome. I wouldn’t even know which one to show as a sample, so if you’re curious just pick one up:

Another therapist I like is Olivia (Olivia Kissper ASMR) who is actually a psychologist. I think she’s weird in a cute way, always original and dedicated to her work. I like her authenticity. For some reason she reminds me of childhood, maybe because of her playful attitude and of the role-play she does, it reminds me of how I used to play with my sis back when we were 7 or so.. I enjoyed pretending all kind of stuff and it was fun. Olivia also adds her helpful input in dealing with anxiety and stress. Like… Asmr for anxiety, inspirational, motivation, sleep, relaxation   or   Meditation for clear mind & better decisions

There are not many asmr males whom I enjoy watching (mostly because it’s like watching a dog purring.. ya, weird and kinda impossible). But I recently found this guy Dmitri and I liked his long talk about grief & anxiety (and tools to help) video. I also like the fact that he’s dedicated to his work and… dunno.. it’s fun to explore his vids, and… why the heck can’t I be one of those people who get a back massage for free??

Ok, let’s move on to another male youtube therapist. That would be Jason Stephenson. Who hasn’t yet heard of Jason Stephenson? Oh, yea, you sir, who’s been living under that rock.. let me fill you in on this topic then. Jason Stephenson has few YT channels, and you can find lots of sleep meditation music, guided visualization, bedtime stories for children, all kind of relaxing “treats”. He’s really awesome. I love his guided visualization of rain-forests and tropical islands, like.. when you close your eyes and you hear the waves and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees.. sitting on this comfortable beach chair , enjoying your tropical drink.. mesmerizing.. *-*   I love his bedtime stories (like children space adventure   or   A Spoken guided visualization (Letting go of control)

Ok, so lately more guys joined this playground, and i can’t believe i even found some that i like watching! Of course, males are rather, let’s say, more technical, and that’s what makes them unique, ’cause who on Earth wouldn’t want to study Astronomy like this..? — Rich in Let’s Find Out ASMR

….Or Teaching you math  by  Destiny Whispers

There are truly lots of them, many good Youtube therapists, many of them whom I don’t even know about yet. I do enjoy The Honest Guys works too (guided meditation – anxiety relief). And so many more.

Emma (WhisperRed ASMR) is… such a cat-like enchanting lady. You know, cats’ purr frequency is in the 20 to 140 Hz range which has a therapeutic effect. Well… I feel like Emma’s smiling presence is just that. It might be just me, but if Emma would just sit there and stare at me, I’d be almost instantly knocked flat to the floor into a deep sleep. Here it’s Emma leafing through random self-help books.

And because i like drawing & jazz music, I personally like (a lot) drawing/sketching videos with jazzy/chill music background. So, i’d personally recommend those ones too, it really puts your mind at ease.

Shhhhhh-Be-Quiet-Reaction-GifWhat I do not like hate: I hate eating/drinking sounds (and just about all mouth sounds). Why would anyone on this planet enjoy such sounds? I mean… you may as well make a video with screeching sounds of a nail on a chalkboard! That would surely give you the shivers! So. I simply hate such sounds, unless it’s this cute asmr-bunny, of course.

And now that you’ve seen a bunny doing asmr, here’s another extra: a cute asmr-toddler doing asmr (she’s adorable):

So now as a final conclusion: if you’re the emphatic type of person, you might enjoy such videos. Also, if you struggle with insomnia and anxiety, such videos might also help. I don’t know how it is for others, but to me it’s like… a tool which helps me put my mind on hold, because… my mind is often overwhelmed and continuously racing. So, hearing someone talking in a calm, soothing voice, kind of slows me down and changes my “frequency” (like.. when you tune a radio from a rock-music station to a r&b one). However, if it takes you more than 15-20 minutes to fall asleep when watching such video before bedtime, then maybe you should put it aside and find something more helpful for that matter. Youtube can be addictive and you don’t want to find yourself lost in browsing the internet and having your time wasted with no benefit whatsoever. Believe me, been there, done that. Try to always make the most of your time, in the best way possible.

Posted in personal insights

Not alone

I met him during my year of College. In October, to be more specific, not that it would matter for anyone but me. He was a Law student and was attending his classes at a University not far from the college I was going to. Each and every morning.

It was the start I had been waiting for my whole life. Back when anything & everything was possible, and when solitude didn’t use to have a face.

I hadn’t met anyone like him before or ever since. Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what everyone says about whomever they fall for. Especially if it’s for the first time. In my case, it was also for the last time.

During a summer break he went back to his hometown and never came back. He had just bought his new motorcycle, almost 3 months before it happened.

Seven years have passed since then and I still find myself in a strange reality that exists on that very thin line between worlds. I can never be fully present in neither of them. It’s a sort of a sick game that life had me play, having to move on each day while carrying a heavy load which no one sees. Oh, yes, that’s my biggest secret. No one really knows about it. How could I ever explain to anyone? I just can’t.

If no one knows about it, does it mean it really happened?

I have no photos of myself up until my 20s. Does that mean I never existed as a child..?

I hold too many secrets. That’s what I do. I didn’t mean it to be like that. It just happened that for too long no one really cared enough to know them. And now they’re stuck with me forever.

This planet is small but the world is big. If all people were books, many of them fade away without ever being read. Who cares about a person’s beautiful values and promising dreams? His story… I alone have read it. Mine shall also be thrown aside on the cold Universe’s library shelf, buried in time and forever forgotten.  

He became part of me. The best part of me. I’m never completely alone. That’s what keeps me going. He was is never the drama llama type. And thus neither am I.

I couldn’t hold grudge on motorbikes. He wouldn’t either, we both liked them. Not for their fancy look or popularity, but rather for their practicability and for the freedom they had to offer. The time saved in traffic, the easy parking, the feeling that you can finally catch up.. the feeling of being alone with your own freedom. Just sometimes, this freedom comes at a price.

It took me a while to understand that motorbikes are not dangerous. People are. And those darn dark momentums are.

After all these years, I still find myself caught up inside a timeless bubble where I can still believe I can change that momentum for him. My library… is full of books about time traveling, anything from fiction to science. There has to be a way back to him. I just didn’t find it yet.

Where is he? Where are all those lovely beings I ever lost? Where is that place?

I haven’t found it yet.


No one can tell me what I’m supposed to believe. I haven’t found a single self-proving belief. They’re all hopes. Let that be mine. I ain’t got a better one anyway.

What are you when you no longer… are? What is it that you become once you stop existing? What are you to/for others?

Whatever he is, he has been more than most of those around me were. All those friends who ARE but come & go… making me feel lonelier than someone who ISN’T here yet never leaves me.

I’ve found out that once you can’t accept losing beings you love, you can never be fully present in this world.. and thus you learn to live at the borderline ..if at all.